Apr. 13—Dear Wayne and Wanda,
First, let me say my girlfriend is awesome in so many ways. She’s fun and smart, definitely beautiful, and she’s also pretty athletic, which is great because we do enjoy all the fun, sporty Alaska things together, like hiking and biking. Where we’re mismatched is our approach to food.
I come from a family where food is often at the center of our traditions and we have some very talented folks in the kitchen. I personally am a decent cook, and I love trying new recipes, even if they don’t quite work out. I’ve always loved trying new cuisines. It’s one of my favorite parts about travel. But when I’m home, I prefer to save dining out for special occasions and make most of my own food at home.
My girlfriend is pretty much the opposite. First off, her palate is bland. If it isn’t American food or, like, Taco Bell, she’s not interested. She eats out or DoorDashes almost every meal and frequents the same boring chain restaurants where it’s the same burgers, sandwiches and salads on rotation. If she does cook at home, it’s a microwave meal. She can’t cook at all. I don’t even know that she can bake a potato or scramble an egg.
We’ve been dating well over a year and have talked about moving in together, but I struggle to see how that will work when our patterns around and relationships with food are so incredibly different. Yes, it’s very masculine and traditional of me, but I did always imagine a wife who was preparing amazing meals — like my mom did for my dad. At the very least, it would be fun to go out for sushi or Thai now and then. But so far my attempts to get her to try new things have fallen flat. Is this a deal breaker?
Wanda says:
You’ve defined a few different issues here: 1. Because of your partner’s narrow palate, you face a similarly narrow, and boring, bevy of dining options on date night; 2. Food isn’t special or sentimental to her like it is to you; 3. She can’t cook and this is a turnoff because you always imagined a traditionally capable wifey. That’s quite the picnic basket to unpack!
Everyone’s relationship to food differs. While food can be offered as a treat or reward, or as an essential component of a ritual or tradition, it can also be simply viewed as fuel or macros, a means to an end. At a minimum, these relationships are rooted in patterns from our earliest years and upbringing and the kinds of resources and access we had growing up. Not knowing anything about your girlfriend’s past, consider and work to understand her experiences that got her to where she is today and how you can creatively introduce new experiences to support her culinary expansion.
Here’s an easy first step: She likes burgers? Great! That’s an easy one to do at home. Go grocery shopping together. Each of you come up with two to three special ingredients for your unique burger. Cook them together — you can show her the steps. Then when it’s time to light a romantic candle, sit down and eat together, cut those burgers in half and trade. You can appreciate what you created together, and each culinarily compromise by trying the other’s dish. It’s a homemade date night that respects her tastes while tactfully luring her from her comfort zone.
Wayne says:
You spent half the letter bragging about your adventurous palate, your foodie fascinations and kitchen skills, a quarter complaining about your girlfriend’s boring palate and lack of interest in cooking, and closed by saying you want to bring home the bacon and have an old lady to cook it.
At least your girlfriend knows what she likes and wants, and you didn’t mention anything about her struggling with this meal “mismatch.” If anything, you want it all yet you aren’t creating any solutions or using any imagination to get there. Wanda’s burger is a great example, though I wouldn’t force your girlfriend to shop or cook or share some burger of the month with you: She just wants a basic cheeseburger with a pickle, diced onions and ketchup on a simple bun, while you prefer a juicy rare burger topped with a fried egg, thick bacon and truffle sauce on a brioche bun. Is this order really that complicated for a Top Chef like you? Taco Tuesday: Create a taco bar with fixings you both enjoy on the side and build your own. Repeat for just about every meal. Are you following? Sure, it’s a little extra work in the kitchen for you, but you love that, don’t you? And you want to eat together, right? Here you go! Want her to contribute? You cook, she cleans, and you both share grocery shopping duties.
Oh, she likes getting fast food delivered? Cool — have your favorite Thai delivered, too, and eat together. And you must not be getting out as much as you claim if you can’t find a dozen places that offer “American” or comfort cuisine along with more exciting menu items. Ginger, for example: cheeseburger and frites for her, mee krob for you. Just about every sushi place has a lineup of classic Chinese dishes to go with its fishes. Etc.
This is only a deal breaker if you make it one.