Aug. 3—Wanda and Wayne,
I’m from a family of overachievers and volunteers, myself included. My parents always served on boards, coached our teams, and showed up for practically every fundraiser or community meeting, usually bringing us kids along. We always started Thanksgiving and Christmas mornings prepping meals for those in need. Gratitude and giving back are just in our DNA.
I volunteered even more as a teen, because I loved it but also because I wanted my college applications to stand out. Once I got to college, and especially grad school, I was so busy that I barely had time for anything extra. That always felt strange because so many students around me were active in politics and service.
Now that I’m back in Alaska and in the early stages of a demanding career — I’ll keep that private — it’s even harder. I thought I’d join a board or volunteer again, but instead, I’m just working, exercising and squeezing in the occasional coffee or meal with family and friends. That’s truly all I can manage.
But the guilt is real. My family never puts on any pressure. My parents even tell me they understand how tough it is to establish yourself and that I worked hard for this. But still there are comments: “We missed you at the trail work project” or “The rally was so powerful; you would have been so inspired.” I’ll tag along for occasional volunteer one-offs, but it’s nothing compared to how much they do, even with their own busy jobs and families. I can’t help feeling like I’m falling short in their eyes, even though I know I’m just trying to build my career.
How do I shake this guilt? Giving to organizations won’t help. I don’t even have much right now with my student debt and living expenses. So how do I balance doing what I can without feeling like I’m letting my family, my community and myself down?
Wayne says:
Now that’s some serious overachiever-level guilt right there! You’re not selfish; you’re creating a healthy balance of career and adulting. Not having time for volunteering isn’t a flaw and you’re not the family disappointment. This is simply a phase where your energy is directed to different places for important reasons.
Fortunately, your family understands and supports you. They’re not shaming you; they’re proud of you and just miss having you around for the extracurriculars. That’s love, not judgment. Take them at their word when they say they get it. And remember: Opportunities to help your community and stand up for what you believe aren’t going anywhere.
For now, show up when you can so you can still get the family and community connections you crave without added stress. And give yourself permission to lean into your career and health without guilt. You did work hard to get here and you deserve that. Plus, finding balance and success will eventually come with the bandwidth to give back in many different, powerful ways.
Community service isn’t a sprint or a competition. Like you said, giving back is in your DNA; it’s there now and will be there when you’re ready.
Wanda says:
One’s career and volunteering needn’t necessarily be two separate things. Most businesses of any significance have some kind of community giving footprint, whether that’s an all-hands volunteer event during the United Way campaign season, a fundraising 5K that your company has signed on to promote, or company-purchased tables at luncheons and galas. The best part: Many of these acts of service or fundraisers are on the clock, and seen as part of your job, not in addition to it.
So first step, do some digging in your internal organization and find out who’s in charge of managing your company’s philanthropy program. Whether its large or small, there are almost certainly inroads there for you to carve out some philanthropic spirit in a way that satisfies your sense of duty while also highlighting your giving spirit to your colleagues. Double win!
If your company in fact does not have any kind of Heart Walk team, clean-up day brigade or modest fund for buying tables at Chamber of Commerce lunches, here’s your chance to shine. Connect with the right leadership and make a business case for corporate citizenship. Not only does it give employees a chance to bond over good causes, but it puts your organization in a great light externally, demonstrating your company’s community compassion, while also creating opportunities for your staff to network with other like-minded business leaders.
Either way, if you can find ways to give back in meaningful ways as part of your career, you’ll escape the stress of trying to find additional nonexistent hours in the day to continue your family’s admirable legacy of giving back.
[Dear Annie: My friend goes overboard on giving gifts, but then gets disappointed when people don’t reciprocate]
[Dear Annie: People keep turning to me for help, but I don’t feel the same concern in return]
[Wayne and Wanda: My friend’s longtime job has left her miserable. How can I help her break out of the cycle?]